Slap & Tickle

WRITE DAMNIT!
I got this spam the other day from a group called Pen-2-Paper. The idea of this site is to… well, let’s let them sell you on their “service”:

“Our international team will provide clear, understandable and precise communication, using only handwriting skills. The team will provide a discreet and confidential handwriting service with the utmost professionalism and care. Our aim is to bring back the beauty and unused power of handwriting asone of the best and most powerful ways of communicating a person's desires, expectations, feelings, and needs.”

Yes, you lazy sacks of crap, these guys will actually handwrite a letter for you. However, you have to write the letter—then email it to them. WTF? You pay them to handwrite a letter? Wasn’t it just a few years ago that you could hire someone to type a letter from something you hand wrote? Have we forgotten the great art of writing by hand? Yes, we are so advanced, we no longer can write by hand…

What does that say about us as a society when we can’t sit down and write a letter? It’s the damn video games—that’s what it is. I have no evidence to support this, in fact, all reason points away from it, but if FOX can get away with it, then who am I to go against the machine?

After much complaining (who me?) I have given this service some serious consideration. There are so many possibilities of notes I could write, all of them seem to be only to freak out Pen-2-Paper’s “scribes.” My only fear is that they would report me to the authorities—and I’m on too many government lists as it is.

Here are my favorite ideas:
Confession to the Lindbergh baby kidnapping
“I borrowed your toothbrush… to clean the mildew out of my shower”
‘To Do’ List, including items like “buy heroin” and “kill a kitten”
“Hey, I’ve got the clap! (and you do too)”
“I’m stalking you…”
“I’ve embezzled your life savings—I’d tell you in person, but I’m in the Cayman Islands”
“I know I falsely accused you of rape, but it would be too embarrassing for me to tell the authorities the truth, and prison seems to agree with you…”
“Fuck you, Dubya”

(The last one might get me a visit from the Secret Service, but—as Paris Hilton would say, “they’re hot”.)

So, how much does this wonderful service cost? Ten hard-earned bucks. AND that includes postage! Wow! They write a letter for you and throw in a whole .37 cents! Such generosity is not heard of in these days of typewritten work.

Now if only I could get them to write my daily blog and not bother me with details like subject matter and actual sentence structure, I’d be set…