Meet the New Love of My Life


I bought a new stylish (read: black) iPod this week. It’s my most favorite-ist toy… ever! It’s so freakin’ simple and it does so much—the video is crystal clear… I can’t say enough good things about it.

Currently, I could listen to it for three and a half days and not listen to the same song twice (that’s over 1500 songs!).

I figure it will pay for itself when I sell* all my CD’s to Street Light Records as I will never need them again (yes, I’m backing it all up). I have hundreds of CDs with only one (sometimes two) good songs on them.

Going to the Apple Store was a real treat (he said sarcastically), everyone working there can't be older than 15 and most of the customers aren’t any older than 7. I’m not sure if by buying one I am “youthful;” a sad, pathetic old fart attempting to recapture my youth; or a sad, pathetic old fart who never grew up. I think by writing “youthful” with quotes around it gives me a clue that I am definitely not “youthful” in any way shape or form. But, like all sad, pathetic old farts, I’m oblivious to that fact as much as I am that I am driving with my blinker constantly on.

Well, I need to get back to my music as I still have a stack of CDs to be converted and it’s almost 1:30am (hey, that’s early if you’re “youthful”).







*The only bad thing about selling the CDs is the look I will get from the sales clerk about the crappy stuff I own. It’s the same look I get at a garage sale: people judge you on the crap I’m getting rid of. I didn’t want most of it in the first place… seriously!

Hot Man... Unfortunate Choice in Underwear *

I know I should be writing more, but I'm on vacation and I feel like slacking. Hopefully, I'll post in the next few days. I need to give my review of Brokeback Mountain (let's just say that more than just my thumbs were up) and Christmas with the family (my sister-in-law and I debated "The War on Christmas" and how she knows what bigotry is because she's been a victim of it--and when I tell you why, you will not believe it--I'm still stunned by her comments).

I'm sure I'll write before the New Year, but if I don't: Happy New Year!

*Hmmmm... by the look of it, I suspect he's celebrating Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah).

Merry Christmas...


...and Happy Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah)

What I Like About You

Well, it’s been a busy week here at S&T—visitors are coming from all over the world, and the one consistency is that everyone appears to be a pervert.

Yes, Giada De Laurentiis continues to be the top search bringing people to S&T. “Giada De Laurentiis Boobs” is the number one search bringing people to S&T (10), “Giada De Laurentiis” (8), “Giada Boobs” (2), and “Giada De Laurentiis (1). Another Food Network star, Sandra Lee was also in demand—with searches for her boobs, bra and feet* were noted.

Celebrities continue to bring in visitors, as the searches for a “shirtless” Jake Gyllenhaal, Anderson Cooper, Chris Evans, Tyler Florence are all in demand.

My favorite freaky searches that arrived at S&T are (in no particular order):
“Does Chanukah have wreaths”
“slap happy lion”
“meow meow kitty”
“janet Jackson” (wtf?)
“Scarlet Johansen feet”**
“Combination Christmas Hanukah Kwanza”

And my favorite search:
“Giada De Laurentiis farted” (I guess that guy wasn’t getting the results he wanted with “feet”—you know it’s true…)

What I often find interesting are the other items on the search page and where I fall into the search. Often I am not at the top of the list (particularly on any search involving “feet”), however, I was stunned at a search for “Slap & Tickle” not only resulted in my being fifth on the list, but one of the top search results was for this site. (What. The. Fuck?)

Whatever reason, or sick & perverted search brought you to S&T, thank you for coming. Come for the Giada (and her boobs), but stay for the comedy.




*I think he’s the same guy that was checking for Giada’s feet—or the freaks are congregating at S&T…
**Dude, seriously, get some help…

Cowpoke Countdown
Three days... "Is that your pup-tent, or are you just glad to see me?"

Cowpoke Countdown


Only four days to go... As Mills Lane would say*, "Let's get it on!"





*Though probably not for hot man-on-man lovin'...

What Brings You Here?

Well, my Site Meter info came in for the week. The top searches that brought people to my site were:

1. “Anderson Cooper Shirtless”
2. “Giada De Laurentiis Boobs”
3. “Scarlett Johansson”

My favorite search that brought someone to S&T: “Giada De Laurentiis midget”.

Honorable mention goes to “Slap BOOBS” (caps are theirs).

I can tell it’s going to be a long week…

A Lonely (1/16th) Jew…


I originally wrote this in December 2002 for an emailed version of S&T. In light of the controversy over pasting “Merry Christmas” everywhere, I thought this seemed appropriate to dust it off and post it online. Enjoy.


As many of you know, or don’t know, I’m 1/16th Jewish. That’s right, my great-great-grandfather was one of the founding Jewish families of Santa Clara County. However, he eventually married a Catholic and because of the sway of the Catholic Church, we have been Catholic ever since (who said the inquisition was over?).

My sister and I decided to get in touch with our heritage and celebrate the glorious Festival of Lights by lighting a Menorah. Being raised as Catholics, neither of us had any practical experience with this holiday. I had researched the prayers (pretty easy, thanks to the internet) and when to light the candles (at sundown), but we didn’t have any candles. On December 1st, the first day of Hanukah (also spelled Hanukkah and Chanukah—for what reason I still don’t know) I went to the store to buy some Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) candles.

I walked into the first store and found the “Holiday Section” of the store. I searched through all the “Holiday” items (note, I did not write Christmas, the area was noted as “holiday,” thus, making one think they are talking about more than just Christmas). Unfortunately, there were no Hanukah candles to be found amongst the “holiday” selections. Alas, there were no Hanukkah or Chanukah candles either. In fact, there was nothing even remotely associated with Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah). I do know that Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) is indeed a holiday, so I was a bit taken aback, considering I could only see one holiday being pushed.

I did manage to check out their candle section, just in case they might have stocked the area with the various types of Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) candles that should be available, but the only thing that came close were birthday candles… not exactly appropriate for the Festival of Lights. Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) candles are supposed to burn for several hours, unlike birthday candles which are designed to burn for about four minutes: the time it takes you to walk from where they are lit to where the birthday boy/girl waits to blow them out (generally about 10 feet). Using birthday candles is not exactly the best idea, since you use the first candle to light each day’s candle and by the time you are finished lighting the eighth day, your fingers are burned and your candles are pretty much melted.

I decided not to bother the staff, as they were busy with all the early Christmas shoppers and didn’t seem to have any time for a lonely Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) candle buyer.

The next store had all of their decorations up, and I started to peruse the 12 aisles of “Holiday Decorations,” while Christmas Carols blasted over the Musak. The only thing I could find that had anything to do with Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) was a “L’il Fingers Protector,” to help kids light the menorah without burning their l’il digits (probably from using birthday candles). It was in the shape of a menorah, but ended up being the only Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) item in the entire store. What other “holiday” celebrates with stockings, Christmas trees, wreaths, Santa Claus, candy canes, and manger scenes? It sure as fuck ain’t Ramadan…

I asked the at the kid at the counter if they had any Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) candles… to which you would have thought I’d asked: “Hey buddy, what’s the square root of infinity?” I worried his brain would burst. He asked his manager who gave me a similar look and asked, “Hanukah… candles?” as if this were a new concept and the Jewish people had not been doing this every year for over 3,000 years. After scratching her head (and hopefully contemplating a new hair style as well as a good dandruff shampoo), she shrugged and suggested I use birthday candles, “Because,” she smiled, “after all, it is all about a birthday, now isn’t it?”

I gave her a look of such shock and confusion she looked at me and said, “You guys celebrate birthdays, don’t you?”

I smiled and replied that yes, indeed the Jewish people did celebrate birthdays, but the one distinct difference between Judaism and Christianity was the fact that we do NOT celebrate the birth of Christ. I should have only been 1/16th pissed off, but I was beginning to think that this was a conspiracy against Zionism and was a full 3/4th pissed off.

I went to the next store and found that the great Christmas decorating beast had reared it’s ugly head and in doing so had vomited every possible combination of tasteless and annoying Christmas decoration upon every stationary item in the store. Standing in front of the 12 different manger scenes (one included Santa coming down the chimney of the manger to put presents under Mary & Joseph’s tree!) I decided to cut my losses and leave immediately.

Walking into Walgreens, I had some hope. At the entrance was a “Holiday Greeting Card Station” and amid the 800 or so different Christmas card sets, sat two sets of Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) cards! My people have found the Promised Land! Which was a good thing, since Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) starts at Sundown and it was 4:30pm.

However, after quickly walking through the store, I realized why my people had walked the desert for 40 years: they weren’t lost, they were trying to find freaking Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) decorations!

In desperation, I walked to the front and asked about Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) candles. Well, you’d have thought they had never heard of Jews before! Was this a conspiracy? Were my people being systematically wiped out by the Christians… again? When the manager walked up, she said (I shit you not): “Why do you need candles for Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah)?”

“I believe it’s called the “Festival of Lights. ‘Lights’ is pretty much key to the whole ‘Festival’ aspect of the holiday. No lights, no festival.”

“Oh.” She replied, staring at a cute little manger snow globe with baby Jesus holding a candy cane. “We have a large light section…”

“You don’t even know what a menorah is, do you?”

At this point, I was pretty enraged and she had that look on her face like she was trying to see where security was. She suddenly smiled that big, fake, salesperson smile that says “fuck you, asshole. I’m going to do my best to just get you the hell out of here” and said, “What about birthday candles? After all…”

Realizing that I had lost, I bought a bunch of birthday candles. As I left the store, both the idiot behind the register and the manager wished me a “very Merry Christmas.”

I’ve only been a practicing 1/16th Jew for two hours, but I already am pretty pissed off with the Christians. For those of you celebrating Kwanza next month, I have two pieces of advice: shop early and stock up on birthday candles.

Merry Christmas…

Since the writing of this article a number of Jewish and non-Jewish friends informed me of a number of wonderful locations which sell Hanukah (Hanukkah/Chanukah) candles, and now I'm fully stocked for the next 236 Hanukahs (Hanukkahs/Chanukahs).

WTF?

Seriously, I can only say, "wtf"? I know this has been around for a long time, but I just stumbled across it again.

You Blockheads

Is it just me, or does it seem strange that supposed Christians are insisting that “Merry Christmas” be posted in stores and malls instead of “Happy Holidays” or the admittedly awful “Merry Xmas”? If I am understanding these people correctly, they want Christmas to be even more commercialized?

Did none of these people watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas”?

Godspeed, Wendy…


Wendy Jo Sperber lost her battle with Cancer on Tuesday, November 29. For those of you unfamiliar with her work, she was a wonderful comedic actress that really should have been used more and should have been much more famous.

I first discovered her in “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” a brilliant comedy about Beatlemania and the Beatles first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show. She was absolutely hysterical and just the thought of her performance as Rosie makes me smile.

She burst into more of the mainstream in “Bosom Buddies,” easily stealing scenes from Tom Hanks, Peter Scolari and Donna Dixon. The show was a cult hit, thanks to her brilliant comic timing.

If you still don’t know who she was, she played Michael J. Fox’s sister in the Back to the Future films. Those films present a perfect example of wasting talent: there she was, a great comedian, forced to stand on the sidelines, doing nothing.

The bigger waste was that she was never the great success that I thought she should be. She had the talent, but, for whatever reason, superstardom was not to be. I don’t know if that was by choice or by bad choices, I only know that we are better for having enjoyed her talents while we had the chance.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the fact that she spent the last years of her life dedicated to the cause of Breast Cancer Support and started weSPARK, "A place to meet new friends, to exchange information, to explore new ways of coping and new possibilities for healing."

Thank you, Wendy. You brightened my life with your talent and compassion, for that I shall always be grateful.

For the rest of you, go off and watch “I Wanna Hold Your Hand,” you won’t regret it.

Holy Moly! He's Purty...


This guy has obviously made a pact with the devil to look like this. How do I know? Because, he said to the devil, "Make me unbelievably cute with an amazing body, perfect skin and abs that people will kill for..." And the devil said, "Sure... but I'm gonna give you fucked up hair."

(click on the image to make it bigger... he really is quite lovely. But that hair! I fear straight-boys throughout the country will emulate that and that is so sad).

Mañanas de las palmada y de las Cosquillas
(con los pechos ocasionales)

Well, my site meter has sent me the results of another exciting week…

I would like to begin by thanking the Food Network and the desire for the public to see them all “shirtless” and a distinct desire to see Jack Hourigan and Giada de Laurentiis’ boobs. Not just “boobs,” mind you, but someone wanted searched for “Giada de Laurentiis big boobs.”

God bless the perverts. *

Speaking of, someone wanted to see Ina Garten’s boobs as well. Actually, the did not state “boobs” or even “big boobs.” No, their search was for “Ina Garten Jigglers.” I’m pretty sure they weren’t looking for Jell-O™.

A shout out to my future ex-husband, Anderson Cooper—I had six people arrive at S&T attempting to find him shirtless. They must have been terribly disappointed.

On only one search was I both in the number one and number two spot: “not slap just tickle.” I’m not sure what the hell that was about, but I’m very popular in that search. Good for me.

I can only imagine what was going through the head of the poor Spanish-speaking soul who stumbled across my site and decided to have it translated from my ‘adequate at best’ use of the English language into Spanish. For those of you who are curious, “Naughty Pillows” as described in Breasteses of the Week can be translated as “almohadillas traviesas.”

Oh, and some guy found my site by searching for…. (wait for it)… “breasteses.”




*That is the most aptly described website... ever. I don't recommend it at all, unless, of course, you're into midget sex--then go for it. Otherwise, think about breasteses and think that you're a pervert. Seriously, you don't want those images bouncing around in your head---that shit just ain't right...

1) I apologize for the term "midget."
2) I apologize for insinuating that l'il people sex is somehow perverted.
3) That is some freaky shit... seriously... freak-ky.
4) Again... apologies.

How Not to Sell Clothing
I love Waiter Rant. It's an interesting site and he has some interesting stories. He recently added a shop to his site... the above picture is how he is "marketing" the men's T-shirt.

Is it just me, or does that make you want to NOT buy a shirt? I guess if I only had one arm, it might make me buy one, but are there a lot of one-armed men running around? And is that necessarily a market one tries for?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with a one-armed man, but it certainly didn't help Helen Kimble or her poor husband, Dr. Richard Kimble, who was framed for her murder--only to escape and become a Fugitive trying to clear his name. Honestly, who doesn't think of that when one thinks of a one-armed man? And is that the best way to sell a shirt.

Maybe he's trying for the pessimists out there who think they are going to lose an arm. Which begs the question, how big of a market is that? But, I'm still at a loss to the appeal of Britney Spears, Paul Rudd, and Paris Hilton--so what do I know? That said, I'm still not buying a shirt...

...unless I lose an arm.

Today I Am Thankful for California Weather


Partly cloudy and 68 degrees... It's a bit chilly, but it is winter (or close to it). Let those on the East Coast have their "seasons" this suits me just fine.

Today, I made French Onion Soup, so we could eat "light" the day before the main eating event of the year. However, the tons of cheese on top really shot to hell any idea that it was a light meal. I've said this before, I'll say it again: "Cheese is good."

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends! To my friends overseas (and the occasional Canadian and Brazillian reader): I hope you understand what Thanksgiving is, because it is very difficult to accurately describe.

Basically, as you read this, I am either stuffed to the absolute limit--with turkey (with gravy), mashed potatoes (with gravy), stuffing (with gravy), sweet potato pie (sans gravy), wine, pumpkin pie and spiced pumpkin cheese cake (which I made thankyouverymuch)--or I am about to start eating so I can become stuffed to the limit with the above food. It is a glutonous event. A shameful site if there ever was one... but, damn it's good.

The idea is that we are to gather together as a family and give thanks we have each other. In actuality, it's a day we gather together as a family and spend the day wishing we were with anyone but our family.

We stuff ourselves so full of food that we can not move so we won't kill our cousin who, when we were 13 "pants'd" me in front of a bunch of kids at my new school and pretty much ruined my entire high school social life... uh... I, er, um... like I heard that happened to this guy one time. Because, if I got pants'd, you know that would actually make my social life... no, really, it would. (whatever.)

I think the universal theme is that everyone loves their family, but wouldn't have them as friends, because friends wouldn't put up with the shit that families dish out. I love my family, I really do. But they do drive me nuts--as I'm sure I do them, for what reason I couldn't possibly tell you, because I'm fucking adorable to be around... really. I am. (whatever.)

I guess it could be worse. It could be raining.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Shirtless Boobs
Well, my brief boobs experiment has not paid off quite as handsomely as I thought it would. While my numbers are up, they aren’t up that much—I guess people can smell my failure from 50 feet even on the internet…

Anyhow, if you look at the chart above for the last month, you can see that Carmen’s FCC’d Boobs definitely bring in the eyeballs, but so did Scooter Libby and National Deviled Egg Day.

The other jumps were for those weird Asian guys singing N’Sync and that strange (yet tempting) Chicken Payback song. If I’m in a pinch, apparently a lack of boobies can be made up for by having some sort of strange song to play… or eggs. Eggs work, too. (I’ll have to remember that.)

However, looking at my referrals, it seems that any “hot” woman’s name and “boobs” produces eyeballs. That goes for any hot guy and the word “shirtless”. I’ll have to make sure I place words like “Katie Holmes Naked” and “Matthew McConaughey shirtless” randomly throughout future postings to guarantee people will click over.

I had one amusing one (and I’m NOT making this up: Someone from Google Asia was looking up “amazing lacist.” Oh. My. God. Naturally, my racist bit was the number one search result… how shameful for me. —Anderson Cooper Shirtless!— How could I stoop so low?

I must thank Miladysa—Anna Nicole Smith BOOBS!—and Evil Gay Laywer—Jake Gyllenhaal Shirtless!—because so many of my referrals have come from their sites. I want to thank you both for your kindess in promoting —Natalie Portman BOOBS!—my humble site.

Well, my break is over, I need to finish up some work—Heath Ledger Shirtless!—I still have talk about my car accident... —Tom Cruise BONKERS!—

Breasteses of the Week
(Boy, what a pair!)

The above breasts (or breasteses, as many folks are want to call them—also, boobies, knockers, Janet Jacksons, gazongas, yabahoes, etc.) belong to Carmen Electra. I’ve blocked out the nipples, not because they’re obscene, but because they were kind of funny looking. Sort of like a popped zit… (like I said: funny looking).

“Why,” you may ask, “Why would you, an obvious gay-boy, put up a pair of breasts (breasteses, jugs, hooters, major-league yabahoes, etc.) onto your Oh-So-Gay blog?” Eyeballs, baby. If I can get a few more eyes on these pages, then my ego is stroked, and we all like to have our ego’s stroked, don’t we?

Sure, it will bring in the occasional straight-boy or two (they can quickly Google away to Angelina Jolie + Underwear + Crotchless + paprika and have at it). I’m hoping a few questioning guys will check out the hottie guys and decide to join the darkside—or will laugh at my jokes and stick around. Maybe even one of the straight-boys with a secure sense of sexuality will stick around as well… who knows?

Anyway, don’t be surprised if you see images of breasts (jigglers, titticacas, airbags, Quakers, lefty 'n' righty, warheads, hooters, Partons, yahtzees, Brustwarzen, headlights, shimmies, naughty pillows, sweater bumpers, Fahrvergnügens, deux oeufs sur la plat, etc.) on this site in the future. Of course, it won’t always be Carmen Electra. No, I’ll try for other saucy women such as Angelina Jolie, Pam Anderson, Mary Kate Olsen, Natalie Portman, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Catherine Bell, Cameron Diaz, Shannon Elizabeth, as well as several chicks I’ve never heard of but saw on some horned-up straight boy’s site: Elisha Cuthbert, Rachel Bilson, Victoria Silvstedt, and Michelle Tanner.

Then again, if the boobies thing don’t bring in the eyes, I may have to go with “Hot Ass on that Guy Mondays” or some such nonsense.
For those of you not interested in the above photo of Carmen’s “Electras,” take heart and check out this guy):

Um… wait, not him… I meant this guy:
Oh, yeah... much better...

How Blue Am I?
Quick, someone call an Analrapist!

Like all relationships that are going to end, there were warning signs. I knew it was going to happen, but I had faith. I had hope. Yet, once again, my faith in the intelligence of the American people is called into question (you’d think I’d learn by now).

FOX television, the network of idiot shows like “Who Wants to Marry A Multi-Millionaire” and “When [insert something like “animals,” “cars,” or “small woodland creatures”] Attack” has pulled the plug on the best live-action comedy show they have on their crappy little network: “Arrested Development” has been cancelled.

I haven’t been able to write for the past few days, I am so bummed about. It’s a brilliant show, and there are DVD’s, but it’s not the same. Not the same at all.

I was hoping HBO, Showtime, or some other cable company with a brain would pick it up, but no luck. The show won a slew of Emmys this year! Can't an award winning show find a decent home? Is that too much to ask, America?

I'm sure in a few years there will be a huge cult following of the show and people will wonder why it was cancelled. Thanks, America for not f'ing thinking. I shouldn't be surprised, these are the same people that voted for Dubya... they watch "funny" shows like "According to Jim" and "Yes, Dear." Visigoths!

I think I’m going to curl up in bed with a gallon of ice cream and cry myself sleep.*

I’ll try and be funny tomorrow when I write about my car accident (there’s a happy-happy-good-time-fun-good-time-make-you-smile story if there ever was one).



I do that every night, but mostly without the ice cream… mostly.

For EGL
EGL asked--pleaded is more like it--to remove the picture of "The Governator" and replace it with something more to his liking. Well, EGL, I don't know if you like this as much as I do, but--God bless him--this guy is cute as a button!

I believe his name is Derek Cruz and I believe he may--or may not--be some sort of "model in the adult entertainment industry." I don't care what he is... he's just darn pretty to look at.

I'd elect him governor... of course, I'd elect just about anyone over Arnie (with the exception of Adolph Hitler and Mel Gibson, who may--or may not--be the same person).

Who’s the Girlie-Man, Now, Be-atch?

Ahnuld has been soundly rebuked by the voters of California (or Kaly-Fornee-a, as he mispronounces it). All of the initiatives he pushed for to extend his power have been shot down by the people.

$82 million in public money has been wasted on an election no one but Arnie wanted… and now he’s been politically humbled. Oh, the pain this has caused him is delicious… You know, maybe $82 million is about right to watch him fall on his ass. Oh, wait, didn’t he already do that with “The Last Action Hero”?

Look, Arnie, we brought you in to fix the problems of special interests in government and its become obvious that you are beholden to them. As Governator, you decided that the processes we have in place to prevent a power-grab was inconvenient for you. Well, as Linda Hamilton so aptly put it: “You’re terminated, fucker.”

Good luck on getting re-elected next year… oh, and I guess this puts the whole ‘pass the Arnold Amendment’ thing to rest. Finally, the tide turns away from the Republican Girlie-Men and their idiot policies…

Hey, shrub! You're next.